I Think Of You In Colours That Don't Exist
by words end here
Summary: Pre-pilot oneshot. Nate and Serena's first time, rated M for a reason people. "The way she looked at him said that this would be their first and last time, so you better savour this Natie because the champagne cork isn't the only thing that'll pop off."


**I think of you in colours that don't exist**

**A/N: **I miss NS. Hence, this one shot. If you miss NS too and read and enjoy this one shot, please take the time to review darlings, feedback is my crack. The title is taken from the Counting Crows song featured in Cruel Intentions and it inspired this, and if you like audio accompaniment to your fanfic, I highly recommend it. (: (And I'm British, hence I spell 'Colour' with a 'u', LOL.)

* * *

_I am colour-blind  
Coffee black and egg white  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready_

It's just another gloriously executed Upper East Side wedding. This time it's between Mark Shepherd and what's her name, Miriam, Molly, Michelle? Nate didn't remember, didn't give the invite a seconds glance, was just dragged along to it by the Captain and Anne because at this point, he was dragged to just about everything he had ever attended in his life. Usually his whereabouts was taken care by Chuck or Blair, but he didn't mind being dragged so much when his girlfriend's best friend was around. She had a habit of drinking a bit too much and for once, that meant Nate could be the protector, be a knight-in-shining-whatever just once (Blair Waldorf would never allow such an occurrence.) She had a habit of daring him to do things he would have never normally considered but then again, she was anything but normal.

She had a habit of looking ethereally beautiful.

But he doesn't think about that aspect of her. Not even a little bit, for fear of what he might do.

When the vows are being recited, he searches for her so eagerly, like he's been searching all his life.

As if by coincidence, fate or the ridiculous notion of destiny, (which doesn't exist where he lives, because where in the Upper East Side your life lies before you, pre-planned before you even take your first breath) she turns around in a whirl of golden, a combination of the hair and the dress and her blue locks with your blue and it doesn't stray.

_I do _indeed.

For a fleeting minute, he wonders if they'll ever make it past Blair, their parent's preconceptions and everything else that stands in their path and actually make it as far as the two people he barely recognises have today.

And she wonders how much she's willing to sacrifice to actually do this, because today actually feels like the day.

She frightened herself when she discovered she'd sacrifice it all to be with him, if only for just _once._

And there you all were thinking none of it was planned. This mistake was being planned for over a decade, which in a way, didn't make it a mistake.

* * *

"Serena, you're supposed to be in here." He smirked playfully, clasping her ankle momentarily to try and get her to come down. The trouble with Serena was, once she was high, there was no coming down. He gazed at her awe, just as he gazed at her during the ceremony and just as he gazed at her for the first time when they were five years old and he wondered if she'd stolen some sunshine and put it in her hair.

Serena wasn't supposed to be a lot of things to Nate, but it didn't stop his heartbeat picking up the pace when he was around her or the fluttering sensation in his stomach. Over a decade and the sensations had yet to wear off and lose effect.

"Oh if the happy couple didn't want to put up a catch for the bar they should let me be where I want to be. Move!" She dismissed in her mock hoity-toity tone.

"Let me see it!" He demanded, grinning like a fool.

"No, make me!" She commanded, eyes brimming with mirth.

"I can do it, I can open it. Let me show you...here, come here...let me see."

This was all too literal, could he actually do it? Take the champagne bottle that contained all his feelings, bubbling to the brim just waiting to explode?

"No!" She argued and giggled.

"Let me..."

Once the cork popped, so did their inhibitions. There was no going back and they'd be lying if they said that if they could go back and change it all, they still wouldn't be able to put the cork back into the bottle.

All this time, they were just holding a match to a tinderbox. Just waiting to dowse the sparks with fuel, holding a match to a tick of dynamite.

Ka-boom.

She emitted a joyous sound, something between a squeal and giggles, like a child and it gave way to fully blown laughter. That same sound gushed into Nate's ears like they had for years on end and never failed to make a smile curl on his face. Not the forced kind he often felt himself having to do when Blair flirted with him, not the kind he put on for Brunch on Sundays. A smile that just reflected how he felt inside; something simple amidst all the complicated tangles.

"Nate!" She laughed.

"I swear that never happens to me." His eyes wide, hungry and yet a little bit scared.

"It's okay, you're still a man in my eyes."

He was _the _man for her, he always had been. But somehow, when Blair Cornelia Waldorf entered the equation pieces of the puzzle scrambled.

_I am taffy stuck and tongue tied  
Stutter shook and uptight  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready_

Her gaze never tearing apart from his, she slid onto him where he was sitting. She figured there would have been more appropriate places to do this, like his bed, her bed, but nothing about this – this wild, free and simple calamity resembled appropriate. She had never felt more wanted or loved in the moment where he stroked a lock of that golden hair behind her ear. _He _wanted her. She wanted him.

"Look at you, you're a mess."

"So are you." She smirked playfully and for five painstaking seconds, their eyes meet one another's. She was all he ever wanted and he could barely believe he's about to taste perfection, pure perfection.

It was the exchange that so effortlessly defined them together, just as they so effortlessly defined themselves as individuals.

It didn't matter what dress Serena had on or the make up she wore, she was always perfection in Nate's eyes. Every last inch of her body, that impish, loud laugh and the terribly tortured girl beneath the vale of serenity; he knew and wanted all of her. He never wanted to let go. He wanted everything with her, the sailing trips, and the townhouse on seventy second street with the little blond kids running around its garden.

He wanted two boys and a girl.

It was Nate's first time and certainly not Serena's. He had always wanted to be the one to control his first experience, but the blond beauty in his arms name is not Blair Waldorf. She'd control it all; it was the purpose of their relationship. There would be candles, she'd don decadent lingerie and her hair would be curled to perfection but the strands would never be blond and her eyes would never be navy blue. Surprisingly he finds himself not wanting to take as much control over this. He just wants more Serena. She could take the lead. She could instruct him. She could do whatever she wanted, because in the end, for Nathaniel Archibald, it was always Serena van der Woodsen.

For her, she feels as if by not being a virgin, she's missing out on something with him. But when she was tipsy approximately six months ago with a certain Carter Baizen she certainly was _not_ thinking about her best friend's boyfriend. However she's grateful for the experience she dos have because it won't be physically painful and they can be as free as they want without getting hurt.

Oh, the irony.

Something about the way she looked at him said that this would be their first and last time, so you better savour this Natie because the champagne cork isn't the only thing that will pop off because of this.

And before either of them has the time to ask if they're sure, they find themselves engaging in frantic, needy, uncontained kisses. Hands roaming through hair, exploring every inch of each other, it was indeed messy, frantic, getting-while-the-getting's-good..._of course they were sure. _

How could they be anything else? Serena was made nervous for the first time in a long time just by the manner in which Nate approached this. She'd never seen him remotely afraid or nervous before but _this. _This was everything to him.

And guess who was just a little bit afraid and nervous when she discovered _this _meant everything to her?

Serena felt something watching her though, like Blair was here through something or someone else, but when Nate began leaving a series of butterfly kisses along her jaw line, those thoughts evaporated. Guilt, anxiety and brutal regret would come crashing down later and she'd overcome all the stares, glares and whispers later. She'd win Blair back – she _always _did. The four of them were so inexplicably bound no one could cut the ties.

What she didn't know, was that she'd never be quite be able to cut her tie from him, no matter how many guys would come after him. It wouldn't matter how hard she'd try to separate herself from him, it just was not going to happen. Love, lust and the laughter which flowed so easily between the two blondes just wouldn't allow that.

She whispered into his ear, "You still think I'm sexy when I'm a mess?"

"You're a beautiful mess." He replied, more breathily than he intended.

Off with the tuxedo jacket.

No need for that.

His hands were making fists in that too-good-to-be-true hair and the smile only enlarged on his too-handsome-to-be-true face.

That wasn't the only thing getting larger.

The kissing only got harder as their tongues became more unruly, a series of gasps and moans escaped into the air and they didn't know how they would justify the betrayal but the simple truth was, Blair didn't matter. Not in these moments.

The buttons on his shirt practically unbuttoned themselves and she let her hands run through his hair, they had a mind of their own as they trailed down to his toned back, relishing the feel of the muscles shifting because of _her._ He was the guy for her.

In one masterful stroke, Nate swiftly unzipped the yellow Chloé summer dress that complimented her so well, then again to him, nothing could mar her. She was the girl for him.

_I am fine  
I am covered in skin  
No one gets to come in_

She smiled against the kiss like a devil, contrasting with her angelic appearance and he wasn't sure if he could contain himself any longer. This was all he ever dreamed of, far too much than he should have, but at this point they had all ready gone _this _far, might as well go _too _far.

Her lace bra fell to the floor, light as a feather.

Serena was naked, both physically and in her head. And yet she felt so comfortable doing this because this was _him, _and Blair had the boy she loved all the time and she needed him. She needed him now and before and she knew she'd always need him.

Nate was still in his trousers, but before they said anything Serena helped them down and they were on the floor too. She wanted both of them to be naked; it felt right that way.

Nate looked at Serena, very serious and so very cryptically.

"Are you sure?"

This was the moment. The moment that Serena would look back on for years to come and wonder if her life would have taken a completely different path for the next year of her life. It was pivotal, penultimate and she knew she should have been pushing him away, but he just kept pulling her back for more.

She answered him with a kiss.

Her legs hooked around his waist, she quivered for just a second.

"You're beautiful." He gasped, just to reassure her. His eyes were half lidded with pure desire.

_I am folded and unfolded and unfolding_

And he can't believe his luck. What had he done to deserve her? He didn't do anything, they didn't do anything. They just found each other, became fascinated with each other despite the fact that they were two of a kind and throughout it all, they loved each other. He can't believe it. Here she was, looking fragile, barely there and beautiful.

He entered her, loving the feel of her. They didn't know how they got here, from being five year olds playing in each others gardens to having sex in a barstool, but they didn't want to do this with anyone else.

He couldn't help but stare at the point where their bodies connected. A connection that had taken years to consummate but it was more than worth all the glares and commands from a certain brunette.

He started off slowly, wanting this to just last forever.

But Serena didn't want slowly. She wanted more of him because as exhilarating as it was to just _finally _be with her Natie, she wanted this to be as mind blowing as possible. So she whispered into his ear to just go _faster _and throughout the series of gasps and moans, she was surprised that the stool didn't crash to the floor.

Because she knew everything else was about to crash.

Her face flushed and their tongues continued their exploration of each other. It was so familiar, but so foreign. She was falling apart.

Bodies slick with sweat, they came together and it was...everything. She could see colours that never existed and for a minute, she could see the townhouse on seventy second street, the little blond kids and the sailing trip.

But as the feeling faded after a minute, reality came crashing down like she knew it would.

She collapsed into her best friends arms and he cupped her cheek. He had mumbled "I love you" throughout so many times during this, but then he cupped her cheek and looked into her blue eyes with sheer conviction.

"I love you Serena."

But Serena van der Woodsen was born to run.

Taking his shirt and running into the ladies bathroom she wept for a good part of an hour.

Because it wasn't her life to have. Nate's kids wouldn't be blond, they'd be brunette because he was _supposed _to marry Blair Cornelia Waldorf and Serena was _supposed _to be the maid of honour and Nate was _supposed _to go sailing with Blair and share the townhouse on seventy second street with her.

"Serena!" Nate's muffled call sounded through the doors.

She thought he said _I love you _but the phrase sounded so much like a dream or a hallucination.

After throwing up several times, Serena exited the ladies room and looked at him.

"Nate I don't know what we've done but –

"Blair will just have to know –

"She can't Nate she'll –

"She'll accept it. It will take a while and it won't be easy but –

"I have to get out of here." She mumbled as she collected her things,.

"Serena we can do this if we just stand by each other."

Serena wanted to believe that. But she also knew Blair Waldorf better than anyone. Had grown up with her, shared secrets and shared the same golden boy over the years but she couldn't do this to her. Nate was her future and she couldn't do that to someone she loved. The girl she loved the most.

The rain pounded the street as fast as her heels pounded the sidewalk. She hailed a cab and bid goodbye to the life she wanted. A life where Nate was her boyfriend and Blair was her best friend, and it would be okay because Blair would have Chuck to be with. Maybe they'd even end up a couple, they were so similar.

She needed to forget this, forget her life.

She called Georgina that night and when she woke up the next morning; she knew she was completely and utterly forlorn and doomed. She couldn't forget. His scent lingered on her, a mixture of sandalwood and alcohol. There was still a little bit of his taste in her mouth.

The taste would never wear off.

* * *

Nate called her repeatedly all day, he'd lost count. Tears slid down his cheeks and he just insisted to his parents he was too hung over to go out, spent the day in his room huddled like a wreck. He was a wreck without his Serena.

He kept the bracelet and necklace she had been wearing, placed into a drawer. She'd come home, she would and he'd return them to her. She'd come home because she missed him and loved him and when she'd flung herself into his arms he'd ask _"Why did you come back? Not that I'm not happy about it." _And her cheeks would flush in the same way they did yesterday and he'd smile bashfully.

And she'd reply, _"I came back for you, Natie, silly." _And hit him playfully on the chest and be ready to face Blair with him, because love was worth the wrath of Blair Waldorf.

_I am ready, I am fine._

--

End.

* * *

**A/N: **What do you think? I don't think I did theior first time justice but then again it's NS and I don't think anything is perfect for them. But like I said, I miss them and put this out there because we need more NS fic. Drop a review please (: Thanks for reading xoxo.


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